Sands of Disappointments
I visualized my disappointment in the LORD as numerous as the grains of sand on the beach.
Job 13: 15-16 NKJV
15 Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him.
16 He also shall be my salvation, For a hypocrite could not come before Him.
Jan 6, 2025, Monday
After reaching the height of breakthrough and experiencing the enthusiastic joy and freedom of letting go on Sunday night, I was given a word that night, and it is the one thing that makes me go, "God, no! Please, no, God, please not that cup."
That blessing is not seen as a blessing for me. It represents some of the darkest years of my life. After reflecting on the word given to me, I realized I had heard it everywhere I went. I can't just brush this word off as a random word given to me now. I must consider the possibility that this is the LORD's plan for me.
This blessing makes me very sad and hopeful that it isn't true, though some parts of me want it to be true. I have had a sense that something is missing for a while now. I went to bed Sunday night feeling defeated. Going from an extreme high enjoying the breakthrough to now this defeated low was surreal.
When I woke up the following day, I felt a sense of despair and confusion. I felt like everything was swirling around me. I didn't know which way was up or down. I felt suspended in deep water, unsure which way to go to the surface. I was thinking of that last word, and the odds of it being true are good. It is the last thing I know that I would want in life. It is such a firm no in me that it made me consider rebelling against God. At the same time, I surrender to the LORD, not my way but his way. I mean it from the bottom of my heart; they are not just words to me. His ways are higher than ours, and his thoughts are not our thoughts. I trust him more than I understand. I asked the LORD why I had to pay such a high cost for the breakthrough to end with this cup. To lose something so dear and precious to me, to be given this blessing instead. A blessing that I see as an open door to relive the hell I walked through during that season of life years ago. From my understanding of things, what I had just lost would have helped me overcome that hell. What I had just lost and let go of was missing in that hell season in my past. Still, I won't rebel. He knows what is in me. He knows if I have failed or succeeded in the other life option. Maybe I failed my test instead of passing. Perhaps the LORD had to bring me here to show me that. Oh, the depth of my disappointment is great. It is so great. It makes me ask myself, what is the point of all of this? It seems nothing good stays in my life. All of this seems like a lie from the pit of hell by the measure of its cruelty. I felt genuinely broken and discouraged.
“ It is the last thing I know that I would want in life. It is such a firm no in me that it made me consider rebelling against God. At the same time, I surrender to the LORD, not my way but his way. I mean it from the bottom of my heart; they are not just words to me.”
Even if he slays me, I trust God and live for him, not myself. He is still Good despite it all, and I trust him more than I understand him.
“Even if he slays me, I trust God and live for him, not myself. He is still Good despite it all, and I trust him more than I understand him.”
I visualized my disappointment in the LORD as numerous as the grains of sand on the beach. I am lying on that beach, feeling like I have just washed ashore. I had a choice to tell the LORD about this feeling or try to bury it and continue to press in prayer, willfully submitting to not my will but his will. Nothing is hidden from the LORD, so I told him how I saw myself on this beach. As I am telling him about it, I am there with him in my mind.
“ I had a choice to tell the LORD about this feeling or try to bury it and continue to press in prayer, willfully submitting to not my will but his will.”
LORD, you know my heart. You see the depth of hell that last experience was in my life. You know it is something I want to shut the door on and never walk through again. It was the most disappointing season of my life. LORD, I am sorry, but this blessing makes me feel disappointed. To take away what you just removed from my life and to give this instead seems so cruel.
Then I stood up on the sand and told the LORD. Even though my sadness and disappointment are as numerous as the grains of sand on this beach, I still trust you. Not my will but yours. Your ways are higher than my ways; your thoughts are not my thoughts. You are good, and you know all things. You know what is best for me and what is best for the body. I surrender and dance in worship on this sand of disappointment, praising you and trusting you. You are Good and kind, and I trust you more than I understand. I live for your purposes and glory, not my own. I began to dance on the sand, worshiping the LORD, feeling his peace and strength to face this next thing.
“ I surrender and dance in worship on this sand of disappointment, praising you and trusting you. You are Good and kind, and I trust you more than I understand. I live for your purposes and glory, not my own.”
During worship here, I realized all those grains of sand meant I crossed over to a new land and adventure. I am no longer limited to being on an island of self. I stepped into something more significant this season. The sand is only the shoreline to a vast land before me.
The most fitting song came on the radio, and I sang it to the LORD. 10000 Reasons (bless the LORD) by Matt Reedman
Not only was this song fitting for the moment, but it also was the song I sang my heart out when I had my first loss 12 years ago. This loss represented what I had to let go of for this last breakthrough.
I told my destiny helper about the beach scene in my mind, and he sent the most encouraging words, helping me shift my perspective.
One of his quotes was, "The beach represented the threshold that I am crossing over to my destiny."
I replied to his message with this.
"As I am worshipping and dancing on that sand at that moment, it represents the lies and disappointments beneath my feet. I feel how much the enemy hates me, and I don't care. Then I read your words, and they transformed the sand in a rainbow light wave into the promises of God. And I will stand and dance on them for the LORD's word "come," which allowed Peter to activate his faith and walk on his word over the water. "
“BOOM!”
"Boom!" I feel myself shift back into victory mode. The new enemy at this level is watching from a distance somewhere. I am aware of him and see his eye in my mind. I know he is in the shape of a T-rex. I said to it, "I know you're there. You will just be used to refine me later". Then I carried on dancing, caring more about what the LORD was up to anyway. Still feeling its eye on me, I called for all monitoring spirits to be blinded and for confusion to be in the enemy camps now. I pray that all the strongholds in this land and still in me will be blown up with dynamite in Jesus's mighty name, amen, and thank you. Boom!
· Job 13: 15-16 NKJV
15 Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.
Even so, I will defend my own ways before Him.
16 He also shall be my salvation,
For a hypocrite could not come before Him.
· 2 Samuel 6: 14 NLT
14 And David danced before the Lord with all his might, wearing a priestly garment.[a] 15 So David and all the people of Israel brought up the Ark of the Lord with shouts of joy and the blowing of rams’ horns.
· Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose"
· Psalm 119:116
“Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.” Psalm 119:162
· 2 Corinthians 1:20-22 NLT
20 For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” (which means “Yes”) ascends to God for his glory.
21 It is God who enables us, along with you, to stand firm for Christ. He has commissioned us, 22 and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us.
· Luke 10:19 NLT
19 Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you.
· Colossians 2:15 NKJV
15 Having disarmed principalities and powers, He made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them in it.
· 2 Corinthians 10:4 NKJV
4 For the weapons of our warfare are not [a]carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds,