Pride Found in Full Surrender
November 03/2025
This is a glimpse of time spent with the Lord talking about what it means to be fully surrendered. When the Lord asks questions, it is never without reason. He knows the answer already. This is an invitation to go deeper with him.
(Adonai): "What does full surrender mean?"
(Me): "A lofty goal that people strive for in giving up everything to you."
(Adonai): "Have you accomplished it? "
(Me): "Not as much as I would like, but more than I have before in my life."
(Adonai): "Are you lying?"
(Me): "Not intentionally if I am. Sometimes I was better in my past at full surrender than I am today. I have good days and bad days, good streaks, and bad streaks. So even my progression is not as straightforward as I would like it to be, or as I care to admit."
(Adonai): "IC"
(Me): "Why are you asking, LORD?”
(Adonai): "Write this down
My people are filled with pride, some more than others. They are filled with pride about how surrendered they are to me—boasting about the things they have laid down, making it out to be easier than it is to lay those things down. The worst part is some will shame others when they fail to lay down what they said they would. When they themselves still struggle. They are at risk of becoming like the Pharisees in their zealously putting heavy yokes on those that follow them without carrying the same yoke themselves fully. They are very good at the illusion of full surrender, fooling even themselves into how much they have surrendered to me. Making those who follow behind feel shame for not measuring up. Discouragement starts to weigh them down, pulling them away from me." Matthew 23:1-4
"What is full surrender, April? "
(Me): (thinking to myself, "this is going to be a lesson that cuts tonight…")
(Adonai): "Refines"
(Me): "Yes sir."
"What is full surrender?.... It is in the fullness of the surrender, meaning everything, All. You like that word all in your word. It really means All. Just taking a moment to think on the vastness of that word gives me a sense of awe. We are eager to include it when applying it to you, Lord, with expectant faith. I get a sense that when we apply it to ourselves, it's filled with heartfelt good intentions that don't reflect reality. To be fully surrendered means that all our time, thoughts, motives, heart and actions are always surrendered to you."
(Adonai): "Do you give me all of that when you say you are fully surrendered?"
(Me) ”Short answer, no, not as much as I want to."
(Adonai): "Why not?"
(Me): "A few reasons come to mind, LORD. One is sin, but I sense you are looking for specifics tonight…
Wanting to have fun and do my own thing gets in the way. Like a kid who wants just to go play instead of doing chores or homework, doing my own thing seems far more interesting than boring chores and homework.
Being tired and in pain, either physically or emotionally. It makes me want to find shows that are entertaining to my desires and numb the pain, relax, and check out of my reality for a bit.
Confusion on what is of you, LORD, and what is not. There is fear that comes with confusion and honest questions of was that you, my flesh or the enemy.
Being offended or moved negatively by what other people have done or said. It can take a fair bit of time to process all of that, forgive, and try to walk in the way Jesus walked on earth. Even after all that, I wonder if you're getting it right in the end, leaning on you and trusting you to get me through. All the emotions from that can make me feel heavy and need a break from them.
Or I just want what I want. I want to watch that show, I want to eat that cookie, I want to have fun. The problem is when I say that I wouldn't, and I do it anyway. Some of those things I went a real long time staying away from. Sometimes I wonder if it means for the rest of my life, or was that just for that season. The same question can be asked of assignments given by you, or places to go to, or not to go to.
Not looking after myself gets in the way, too. If I stay up too late doing whatever it is I want, then I am too tired to get up early in the morning and be in the word, which is one of my goals. I am also more exhausted than I should be to deal with the day. You help a lot and are gracious and merciful, and I am grateful for that. However, it does come to a point when I feel it lift a little bit and see how much you were helping me to meet those goals and how much I am hindering myself…………."
(Adonai): "go on."
(Me): "I think about Apostle Paul and how he wrote about the thorn in his flesh and how his intentions and actions were in conflict.
Romans 7:14-25 NLT
14 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. 15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. 16 But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
18 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t
19 I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 20 But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind, I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature, I am a slave to sin. "
(Adonai):" What do you think now? "
(Me)"That I need to read the next chapter because when this was originally written, it was not in chapters.
Romans 8:1-2 NLT
Life in the Spirit
1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.
I feel that it can be misleading to say fully surrender to the LORD to people as if you have fully arrived there, when you jumped into that river once but got out for a bit downstream. I feel that full surrender is a process of dying to ourselves each day. I started to say these days that my goal is to be a more yielded vessel than I was yesterday, in no competition with anyone but myself.
I have come to understand more deeply how full surrender is more about the process of getting there than just arriving. Yes, there are different degrees of heart posture towards the LORD, and we should strive to have the highest degree to surrender our lives to him as pleasing living sacrifices. Don't want to be a lukewarm Christian that you spit out LORD. You take our words seriously, and they affect others around us and those following behind us.
Romans 12:1-2 NLT
A Living Sacrifice to God
1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 2 Don’t copy the behaviour and customs of this world but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
I have a deeper understanding of how Human I am and how God you are, LORD. It is such a vast difference, and I am humbly grateful for Jesus and the Cross. My righteousness is like filthy rags compared to you, LORD. Thank you for your robe of righteousness that you gave me so I can still be with you. That is the greatest gift in my life, and I want to wear it well, bringing you honour, glory and praise.
I have a deeper understanding of how your miraculous God math works. You take my efforts, which are aligned with your will, and multiply them like the five loaves and two fish.
Matthew 14:13-21
I have a deeper appreciation and understanding of how much it is by your grace and mercy that you have helped me be more yielded to you as you multiply my heartfelt efforts. When that lifts, I see how pitiful my attempts really are. I know how you are training me, making me stronger and more fruitful in the process. You are so faithful, God, and so good.
I sense a deeper conviction in how important and serious you take us at our words. That it real moves your heart when we say we are all in and fully surrender. When our actions don't reflect that time, time and time again how it grieves your heart. How frustrating it must be to see someone in that state talk to others about how fully surrendered they are to you, in puffs of pride, fooling themselves in the process. "
Father, I just wanted to repent for any time I have taken being fully surrendered to you lightly and for granted. As the correct answer on my lips and not truly reflected in my actions, whether big or small, known or unknown. Thank you for your grace and mercy, carrying me through this journey. Thank you for your faithfulness in helping me grow in a way that pleases you. I repent for any pride in sharing how fully surrender I am to others without mentioning the times I still fall short, making it seem easier than it is. Thank you, Lord, for a more sobering perspective on my human condition compared to you. Father cast down any vain imagination in me and give me sober judgment. I repent of any promise made that comes close to vows that I cannot keep or keep as long as I wanted to. Father, I humbly ask that you help me to walk this life out, fully surrender to you, that is my heart's desire. To go deeper with you. Thank you for your grace and mercy, understanding my humanistic ways even when I don't fully get it or want to see it. Create in me a pure heart and clean hands. Help me to be humble in following after you with a spirit of excellence. I want to obey you because I love you, LORD. I feel that so deeply in my heart. Teach me how to balance fun and rest like a parent teaches their children to balance work and free time. You are a good, good Father, and you want good things for us. You visit Adam and Eve in the cool of the evening. Spending time with them after the day's work. I pray that I find my rest time with you like that, too. I'm excited to be on this adventure with you, even if it's hard, and I sometimes want to give up. Thank you for allowing rest to be an option. Thank you for allowing me to enjoy this life as your daughter, fully loved by you: all the Glory, honour, and praise to your LORD. In Jesus' mighty name, amen, and thank you.